ERMAHGERD

I don't usually get too into memes (like everyone else on the planet I loved LOLcats until they kind of took over the Internet, now I am sort of 'meh'). But for some reason "Ermahgerd" cracks me up (if you haven't seen it, type 'ermahgerd' into Google- the meme just has pictures, with the caption "Ermahgerd >something<" but written like the Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show talks).

So I made a couple of my own.

I love cyptozoology. And like most crytozoology buffs I have a special soft spot for the thylacine, probably because its extinction (supposed extinction!) wasn't due to climate change or destruction of its habitat, but was caused by pure, simple human selfishness.

So:

 

And another, showing my devotion to the Highlander universe (well, I actually like the series better but it is surprisingly difficult to find a picture of Adrian Paul making a funny face).

So now you know the truth about why I am such a slow writer- it's not due to my having to write longhand, or my busy life...it's because I can't stop looking at and contributing to stupid Internet memes.

I hate myself.

How to Handle a Bad Review

I recently came across this blog post about an author who received a middling review on Amazon from another author, then announced his intention on his own blog to go and give her a bad review as revenge, then did so.

What a moron.

In the incriminating blog post, the author, Phil Torcivia, declares that by forgiving 'bad behavior', we are encouraging it, and so he has a God-given duty to punish those whom he believes to be misbehaving. Because writing your honest opinion of a book is somehow misbehaving.

Let's look at some other people who feel it is their right to punish people who, by their standards, behave badly:

1. Hannibal Lector.

In the film Red Dragon, Lector says that he kills people who are rude. I also dislike rude people, but I have neither the inclination nor the energy to kill them.

2. The Punisher.

Frank Castle has a good reason to be pissed. But he's spent the last 30 years or so killing naughty guys. Look where it got him: alone, covered in scar tissue, and full of bitterness. I love me some Punisher comics (movies, not so much) but no one really wants to end up where he is.

Poor Phil. Instead of manning up and swallowing this 'bad' review- because the proper way to respond to any bad review is TO DO NOTHING (if the review was somehow maliciously motivated- LIKE HIS WAS-, it always is obvious in the review itself). Instead, he is wasting valuable time when he could be writing to play silly Internet games.

To summarize:

Everyone has a right to their opinion.

When you put your work out there, you will receive their opinions.

Not everyone will love you and give you five stars, except maybe your mommy.

When someone criticizes your work, shut the fuck up and smile and nod. Whether you think it is warranted or not.

Otherwise you will end up in a Plexiglass cell in the basement of a prison, or miserable and alone in a series of shitty apartments in New York.

And no one wants that.

No Peeing in Fiction

I think one of the reasons that fiction is fiction, is because in fiction no one ever goes to the bathroom.

One of the things that struck me about Curt Benjamin's Seven Brothers trilogy (which in the way of fantasy trilogies is actually four books) is that every couple chapters, the main character would wake up in a tent somewhere and have to pee. Which he did. It was a just a sentence or two, but it added a touch of reality to a fantasy story.

Unfortunately, it was kind of boring. I mean, the reason that very few people in fiction ever have to pee is that it's not very interesting. You go in, do your business, and that's it. Even devoting a couple sentences to peeing or whatever can slip a tad of doubt into the reader's mind- "Really? We're interrupting saving the world to take a piss? I just assume every once in a while the characters go behind a tree or something."

I'm not particularly grossed out by bodily functions- I'm in the middle of potty training a toddler, so nothing icks me out anymore-, it's just that while they're important in real life, they're not really in fiction. Unless you're writing erotica, in which case there are a couple bodily functions that could be important to your story. Maybe if you were writing about a pregnant woman, peeing and vomiting would be important because you have to do it constantly when you are pregnant, but that's about it.

So no, people in my stories don't pee. I hope you can live with that.

Audio Books...More or Less

So there's this book called Fifty Shades of Gray. The husband and I read an excerpt online, and you know what? It did bring us closer together as a couple. Because we were laughing so fucking hard we had to hang onto each other to keep from collapsing to the floor. Seriously, this book is shit. But I might still buy an audio copy if Gilbert Gottfried actually did read it.

(I keep hearing women are enthralled and intrigued by this amazing new thing called BDSM. Where the fuck were they living? Under a rock on a desert island somewhere? That's shit's on CSI, it's so mainstream now.

Here's a better book: Go the Fuck to Sleep, which every parent should be able to relate to, unless their kid sleeps all night since they were born, in which case their child is a freak who will probably murder them in their bed one day. It's read by brilliant lunatic director Werner Herzog, who seems like a cool guy to hang out with until you really think about it and realize he'll probably make fun of you later to his intellectual director friends.

Gen Con 2012 and Fandomfest

The main reason I have this blog is that when I attended the writers' track at Gen Con last year, all I heard was "Social media self promotion blah blah blah." So here I am.

Last year was my first year at Gen Con (went to Dragon*con before, but man was that getting too crowded for my tastes). I adored it. I game very, very casually but there are so many other panels and subjects (plus the above-mentioned awesome writers' track) that I am kept continually busy anyway.

I also post on an Asian pop culture blog called Yellow Menace, and am part of the YM podcast team. They also do a gamecast minus myself. And the really cool thing is, the YM gamecast hosts have been selected to produce some of the This Just In...From Gen Con!

This is a huge deal. This Just In...is required listening for all Gen Con attendees so they know what is happening and what is going to be happening, and for all the poor people who couldn't make it so they can vicariously live some of the thrill of Gen Con. It's a big honer for my friends to be selected as hosts, and I know they are going to work their asses off to make it awesome. They need some new equipment to pull it off right though, so if you want to throw a couple bucks their way they have a website where you can do so (and I hear the guys will do a striptease if you give them enough):


http://thisjustinfromgencon.com/2012/06/18/we-need-your-help-make-this-best-tji-ever/

As for me, I have my own stuff going on. But I'll be dressed as Athena (complete with-fake, sadly-owl) on Friday and old-school Mary Marvel on Saturday, so I should be easy to spot unless we're in a crowd because I am only 5"5.

In addition, the husband and myself will be attending Fandomfest in Louisville, KY the last week in June. It started out a couple years back as a horror film festival but has developed into a full-fledged con, complete with awesome writing guests like John Scalzi and Robin Hobb (although I bear a grudge against her for the shitty last book in the Assassins' Trilogy...sorry Robin, you really dropped the ball on an otherwise enchanting series). Some guy named Bruce Campbell is also going to be there, so whatever. We'll be there only Saturday, though. If you want to meet up or something give me a holla (I am so with the modern slang).

SF in "Nature"...But Not by Me

So there's this guy I know. He's an OK guy, and sometimes he writes too, and his stories are OK. He wrote an SF story and sent it to Nature. You know, the most prestigious scientific journal in the world? They have a back page feature called "Futures" where they print SF. Frederik Pohl has been on it. So have some other famous people, but I only care about Frederik Pohl since I love him so very much.

Anyway, this guy got in, and here is his story.

http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v486/n7402/full/486286a.html

It's a pretty amazing story, actually. And to be honest he's a pretty amazing guy too.

That's why I married him. 

Something Joyful This Way Comes

In a way, Ray Bradbury invented writing for me.

I was 8 or 9, and I had always loved to read. But it wasn't until I picked up a book of Bradbury stories at the library that I realized a wonderful thing: words can weave magic spells. And this man, this man who was so full of joy and wonder that it spilled into every page of his work, even the sad parts, liked the same things I did: space, aliens, dinosaurs, Moby Dick. Maybe I could write stories too, I thought. And here I am.

About 15 years ago I had the honor of meeting Bradbury at Dragon*con. Fahrenheit 451 had just been re-released into a beautiful hardcover edition. I was 18 and poor, so I had brought my battered, definitely-not-first edition paperback of my favorite Bradbury novel, Something Wicked This Way Comes. After hours in line, I finally shuffled up to my literary god, shaking all the way. I handed him my poor book and said, "Sorry I don't have a better copy for you to sign."

He smiled and replied, "I like seeing books like this, because it means it's been read and loved."

I didn't hear anything anyone said to me for the rest of the day.

Bradbury signed my book in permanent marker, RAY BRADBURY!. Exclamation point and all. And I think he lived his life with exclamation points, with eagerness always to see what's next while not forgetting what lay behind.

My husband called me today to tell me the news. I was at the museum with my kid, so I didn't cry. But goddamn did my throat hurt for a while.